My life changed October 2011. I received a phone call at 1:00 am in the middle of the night and had a conversation that would forever change the trajectory of my life, restructure my worldview, and utterly reform how I engage with the world around me. After getting off the phone that night it would take a stretch of about six months of me and the power of Supreme Divine Intervention working through and in me to rid and purge me of vices, which had previously had strongholds on me for the better half of my formative years. First, it was colorful language, then alcohol and drunkenness, marijuana, a few other miscellaneous things, then sex. That was a big one. I mean, imagine it for a second, how easy was it for a college freshman, living on a Historically Black University campus surrounded by all the ‘Lituations’ and the fine fine gyels, and the turn ups, to give up all THE BOX!? I bet you know the answer.
Well, here we are in 2019, some seven years later and I still don’t know why my co-host, Uncle AK, approached me with the idea to blog on the topic of celibacy, but I’m not one to back down from a challenge, so I took it up and here you have it. Besides, I enjoy writing, especially on a topic like this where I believe I have something a little bit of value to offer and have a clue of what I’m talking about. But for this I gave it some extra thought and found if best to streamline my thoughts, bring in other voices to make it more colorful with a different perspective, so please join the conversation!
I won’t insult your intelligence and take a deep dive into the definition and intricacies of the term “celibate,’ but as you know the idea of celibacy, for the most part, is the abstinence from marriage and sexual relations, typically for religious reasons, so with the topic on demand, I reached out to a few friends I know who do not engage in sexual activity for whatever reason and posed three basic questions:
1. Are you celibate?
2. Why are you celibate?
3. What is difficult about celibacy, what is great about it, and your advice for a person considering.
The following five anonymous responses I received and I should also note that a couple of people passed on answering, but that was because I gave them the option to. It’s sometimes hard being vulnerable and somewhat open, I understand, and invite you also to be understanding with me as I open myself up in this piece.
Person 1 “Yes, I am celibate. My awareness of the severity of sex low-key scares me so then I don’t go there. If that makes sense, I've usually been scared to do that. Benefits: having a clear conscience of not having gone into a woman and the implications that have on one's psyche. Difficulties: sometimes wondering what it’s like to have sex and the pleasure it brings. With the sex drive, it doesn’t help either.”
Person 2 “Yes, I am celibate. Too many reasons... Frees the mind and spirit, allows me to determine if a potential can mentally relate...Yes, it is worth the wait.”
Person 3 “I practiced celibacy for a while and stopped at one point. Difficulty hmm. Probably because it’s tough when you were already sexually active. Naturally your hormones are crazy. But sex clouds your judgment”
Person 4 “Yes, I am celibate. Multiple reasons, I’ve been celibate so long that sex is something I can’t do at this point in my life. I also believe that the best sex is with someone you love and can be vulnerable with and that is best found in marriage. Lastly, I am not ready to deal with the consequences of sex which again makes marriage the best context to handle. Pros: not giving yourself emotionally and physically to people that will be in your life temporarily. Knowing that I can go into my marriage not having as much baggage. Cons: not much difficulty. It would be difficult if I had sex in the past, but since I haven’t, I don’t feel like I’m missing anything. The only downside I can think of is romanticizing sex and having wrong expectations.”
These and a few others which for time I won’t include are some of the general reasons why there are still some of us our here who is wild enough to hold on. In a world today that glorifies and celebrates sex as much as it does, you are greeted with a look of confusion and sometimes even disdain when somebody finds out you don’t engage. In some instances, it’s a turn off for the few who might have otherwise been interested in pursuing a relationship with you.
Person 5 “Yes. I trust God’s wisdom (sometimes lol) when it comes to His design for sex and marriage. I believe there is protection in celibacy or purity. Benefits: Less distractions. I can see my significant other for who they are. Difficulties: We have a natural desire for sex. Sooo it’s hard to fight against the natural.”
Marriage, as we know is in this side of eternity, it’s not the final destiny of any human. I celebrate my celibacy because the Bible celebrates it and it gives an extraordinary opportunity for single-minded investment in the matters of the kingdom. Now, I’m not naïve to be oblivious to the fact that as soon as you bring up the text (The Bible) most will throw up a wall of defense and bring out the old debunked argument that it’s an archaic text and those “laws” should no longer govern how we live our lives in this times.
Make no mistake; sex is good! I have been there, I have tasted, and I have seen. It is a marvelous gift to man by God the creator, and as such there are boundaries to which this gift should be enjoyed to its maximum capacity. Take a minute to read over the previous sentence to grasp properly.
Most people fall in the category of folks who have experienced sex before and made a change to celibacy for whatever reason. Others are the remnant virgins of the world and for whatever reason are either abstaining for reasons known to themselves or simply saving themselves for their partners in marriage. Now, some might and have argued with no point of reference; wtf are you comparing to? In other words, “I don’t want no novice or person with no experience! They need to know wtf they doing!”
I can’t say it’s been an easy seven years. All things considered, I go most days without the thought even crossing my mind, then there are some days or hours when I go about trying to make sure nobody notices the rod sticking out in my pants around the mid-section. I’m talking horny, hard, and thinking about sex all dang day. For no dang reason! It is those days when you just go “I’m ready to risk it all Lord!” you be ready to just call up the ex (or friend) or log into a porn site and just do it by yourself or whatever else people do these days. For the record I do not condone or recommend anything I just said, I been down those roads, it leads nowhere. But the point is, you make it through those days or hours, and it’s all worth it. That peace of mind, or clear conscience, or the joy of obedience, or satisfaction of conquering your goal. Whatever your motive or reason for sexual purity or celibacy is, maintaining is always worth it. What do you know about taking cold showers when that blood is hot? What do you know about calling up the homie and just engaging in hour-long conversation about nothing just to get your mind off the urge? What do you know about not watching Game of Thrones or Insecure or some other film or television show filled with ass and tits and sex scenes, because those things add up and before you know it you feening (craving, wanting badly) for a means to burst that nut? What do you know about prayer or bout reading or just going to sleep, all in a conscious effort to escape the temptations and keep the fight for purity going?
Cam Newton, one of this generations most talented NFL quarterbacks and arguably one of the sports best dressed players recently said on “The Late Late Show with James Corden” he was giving up sex for a month in order to make his mind stronger so when the football season rolls around he can say if I made it through that season he is mentally stronger. Combat sports athletes such as boxers and UFC fighters are known to abstain from sexual activities during training camp leading up the big fight day. This idea or myth, I don’t know which it is, was popularized in Creed, the movie, and also in one of the Rocky movies when Sly Stallone said in one of the Rocky movies that the reason for this is because sex makes the knees weaker.
Whether you are a fighter or not, I think there is tremendous truth to that statement. Sex outside of its intended purposes, by the creator, does, in fact, makes us weaker in a lot of ways. Keep the good fight, enjoy sex and love making in all its glory within the confides of the marriage bed.
RifleX - Temptation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JidXufgX8oQ (this about sums it all — best way i know how, in bars and visuals.)